And.....
This weekend the weather man predicted that there would be storm coming our sides on Friday - But Friday came and went without a drop of rain nor a grey cloud in the sky. The lying bastards ! And they get paid for that !!!
I had my weekend planned with enough things to do since I saw that we were not getting any complimentary showers from Sir God but He must have been snoozing then He woke up late and realized were due for a storm jus like the Al Roker wannabe had told us on TV like some 36 hours prior.
So Saturday morning started with the strong gusts of wind, then came the rain then the lightning and thunder - I also happen to have a pet, and they say that animals can sense bad weather and this one did so indeed -and instead of warning the hand that feeds it, aka ME, that shit was about to hit the fan, the damn creature jumped out of bed and disappeared somewhere in the house.
I went to the bathroom to answer natures call and alas there's was the damn creature chilling in the bafu !! Kumbe this mnyama listens to the TV since they always tell U the safest place to be in the house during a storm is the bathroom - and all along it jus seems like its dozing when its front of the TV !! Sneaky bastard !
Now I'm chilling in bed when my phone rings and it's my friend whom we'll call Truphena, she's cool and all but lately she only calls me whenever things between her and her boyfie whom we'll call Obadiah go awry( I believe I've mentioned how much I like to bandilia nick
names )
Me thinks Truphena stopped seeing me as a friend and more like an uncertified quack therapist of sorts...like Dr Phil.....sans the TV contract, status quo, money and all - so I will call myself Dr. Philomena - which to me, is the generic female version of Dr. Phil
Krriiiing....Krrriiiiiiing .....Krriiinng....Krrriiiiiing ...( that's the phone ringing )
Dr. Philomena: Hello
Truphena: What took U so long to answer the phone ?
(WHAT THE FUCK ? I quickly disengage my BITCH MODE button )
Dr. Philomena: Hey wassup, whats goin on ?
Truphena: I'm sawa...( long pause ) ....sigh...
Dr. Philomena: Cool, Im fine, jus chilling in bed, the weather sucks ! what are U upto?
Truphena: I'm soo mad, I cant believe how men are !!
Dr. Philomena: Kwani whats going on ?
( Behold, the ranting begins )
Truphena: Jana I went home and I went to the PC and I looked in that ka-history option that U showed me sometime back bcoz I wanted to see what Obadiah has been doing online and he has been watching porn !!!!!
Dr. Philomena: And......
Truphena: And ?? He has been checking this and that ( several porn sites are mentioned ) and its been going on for a while and when I asked him about it he denied the whole thing and I have proof - I HAVE PROOF !!!
Dr. Philomena: Well.. U know probably the man felt cornered and his first instinct was to lie to you depending on how U broached the subject.
( Now this chick has some serious tongue leashing - she's a true Nyeri woman and I suspect she's a Wangu Wa Makeri descendant somehow ) I digress...back to the transcript
Dr Philomena: Kwani what kind of porn was it that got U this riled up ?
Truphena: Why is he watching porn and he has me as his chile ???
( thinking to myself - did U ask him that ?maybe someting is amiss in the bedroom dept)
Dr Philomena: And..... He's a dude, hes been watching porn before he met you and chance are he's not going to stop - men are visual creatures.
Truphena: Ati visual creatures ? whats that ?
Dr Philomena: Let me ask U, the porn he was watching, was it a menage trois ?
Truphena: A who ? what's that ?
Dr. Philomena: Was it like two chicks and a guy ama two guys and one chick ?
Truphena: Eeeeewww....No
Dr . Philomena: Any goats, dogs, horses, donkeys or any other animals involved ??
Truphena: No ! whats that supposed to mean ? are U being sarcastic ?
( BITCH MODE button about to to get re-engaged )
Dr. Philomena: Look, I'm trying to get to the bottom of this porn thingamajig that's gotten you so worked up - I'm not trying to be sarcastic !
( rolling my eyes as far as my eye sockets can allow me and then some )
Truphena: Kwani people do it with animals ??
Dr. Philomena: Yes, there are sickos out there who do such things - It's called beastiality
Truphena: Ati who ?
( ignoring the question coz I dont feel like like explaining it - GOOGLE my dear...GOOGLE )
Dr. Philomena: Was he in it? and were there any a midgets in it ? and has he ever made U do something that was uncomofrtable in terms of sex ?
Truphena: Ati what ? was he in it ? midgets ? now you, what that's you're asking ?
Dr. Philomena: Well, from what U've told me, it seems like Obadiah was jus doing what men do- nothing wrong with that- maybe you can even watch with him coz if you make him feel like he's doing something bad he'll jus be more secretive and sneaky about the whole thing.
Truphena: Aiiii lakini..why ? I feel so hurt !
Dr Philomena: It's not like he was cheating on you , he was watching a damn movie !
Truphena: I don't think I can sit there and watch that takataka with him
( I've reached my wits end at this point !!!)
Dr. Philomena: I don't know what else to tell you - but it seems like you're over reacting to the whole situation .
Truphena: Maybe I am lakini....
(YOU ARE....YOU ARE...YOU ARE.... ARRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH )
Truphena: Ok......so what are your plans for the day ?
Dr. Philomena: I was going to practice playing golf with some friends, but from the looks of this weather, it aint going to happen .
Truphena: Ati golf ?
Dr. Philomena: Yeah, golf
Truphena: Aiii you're weird
( ANOTHER WHAT THE FUCK MOMENT !! )
Now my patience tap has run dry and for the sake ofour friendship I decide its best if I end the convo pronto.
Dr. Philomena: Well, to each his own, you'd be suprised, golf is not as bad as you think. Anyway, gotta go
Truphena: Si I thought U said you're going to chill at home ?
Dr. Philomena: Yes, I know I said that but I have to go take a big dump and my sphincter muscles can't hold any much longer. Sawa ? gotta go ( literally )
( the above mentioned excuse always works whenever I want to extract myself out of a convo or scenario...and it always WORKS !!! )
Truphena: Oh..oh..ok, bye !
Dr. Philomena: Bye and Say hi to Obadiah.
Truphena: Huh ? Who's Obadiah ?
Dr. Philomena: Weee ...laters...kwaheri
CLICK !
By the time I was hanging up I was drained and I had planned on making myself a grandiose breakfast but now that was jus a memory.
I replayed the whole convo in my head and I decided to note to self that I may soon start screening her calls henceforth...
Judging from the what she told me I bet her fave position when shes having Coitus( did I just use the term coitus ) with Obadiah is ( in pitch darkness ) with her staring at the ceiling ( if U get my drift )and probably balancing her checkbook using an Abacus in her head - NO MORE NO LESS !!!!
I can only imagine the look on Truphenas face if poor Obadiah suggested some Karma Sutra position looool - will make a point to test the waters and ask her what her fave position is next time !
Signed,
A Drained Dr. Philomena
posted by Unknown at 9:41 AM
19 Comments:
What's up Doc.
Hehe... maybe you should give the chile a copy of the Karma Sutra.
LOL
When are dr's hours?
PLease note...that ah was here first. Y'all come back now, y'hear :D
mmmh those so called friends who only call when they need to offload their shidaz....I know them so well. Honestly its draining!
Hey gal!Hope ur shining up that tuk-tuk!Anyhoo I used to have a pal who used to get in touch to complain and the worst thing is that it was about things that were so easy to fix!Needless to say I went underground!I think you have that mama pegged right I bet she gives obadiah so much missionary that the man can disciple all the nations!Anyway time I bounced!
LOL you my dear are obviously a few marbles short.
LOL your cat is obviously EVIL!!!!
Now, twin nut, what the hell happened here?
First off, you nicknamed somebody Obadiah - LOL Yesu, so did we, in my family, and that name stuck. You ------> - ok pointing is rude
Not sure where to begin with this post - Truphena - she needs to get a job at a massage parlour for a week - and provide extras to learn a thing or five.
Tihihi@ Dr. Philomena, can I bend your ear about some stuff that I need to offload?
Er... on second thought, i have a feeling you already know both the question and answer.
LOL...that was one funny convo!
In my opinion, the mama is daft vibaya. Lakini you are patient. I would have grossed aka educated her out mpaka the next time I heard from her would be to tell me the jamaa left her coz she turned into a nympho!
Nice blog!
lol... that just made my extremely dull morning why even lie????
Umm... yeah.... Tru needs to get a clue.... Porn is here to stay... it wouldnt hurt if she watched it....... It might give her tips....
U can take the horse to the river but u cant make it drink water...same analogy would apply to Truphena
Obadiah might make her sit down and watch the "bad manners" movie but question is - will she learn a or FIVE ( as GUESS said ) from Jenna Jameson and the likes ??
TUNE IN LATER FOR MORE DETAILS !
LOL
Huyu Truphena aka Scholastica Apondi is so naive it hurts...
LOLOLOL at Midgets, Horses etc
Poor Obadiah aka Theopisti Wapakhala...
Girl you is not right I tell you!!!
Oh, enyewe that Jenna Jameson mamiso is like the bomb bin laden the fullest, haki ya nani, goodness gracious gaddamit!!!
LMAO wewe Devious. Mathare wanakutafuta ROTFL
LOL that Jenna name has been rattling around in my head for a while but I couldn't figure out her second name.
LOL watching that chile is entertainment!!!
I think I just said too much!
Yes, I know I said that but I have to go take a big dump and my sphincter muscles can't hold any much longer. Sawa ? gotta go ( literally )....LOL
Truph is such a snoop...you just mad emy friday
Hey there drained one
1.ebu tell her to get him a collection of porn as she tees of in some golf course
2.na wewe devious Dr Philo u do know ur porn hahahahaha Obadi na Tru lol
@msanii:front to back , front to back hahaha its been a while since i chokozad u
LOL..what a zozo!! I'm here to declare that those shady tabiaz are not characteristic of ALL NYERI WOMEN..This mama is undercover Muranganese or some'..zeee man.
I'm even offering to send this chile some mafefeine movies man..huu si ungwana!!
Have a fan-friggin-tastic wknd!
@medusa what are mafefeine movies?
Dr Phil you need to do a miseducation of tru so that you stop having these sessions unless she is paying you loads for the service.
that gal would of been a blonde if she was white, she has the thinking capacity of a fresh kao mboch who has just alighted "kid mwende" mat from kangundo and rigidness of a catholic nun. tell her to remove that fork in her ass that makes her so uptight.
Kuna watu na viatu. This girl, is she the type to only talk about her nails, her eyes, her pimple, her bunions, her nose, and her eye lashes (if she has any)for hours at a time? You need to remove her from your phone book because once a week chat with her is one too many.
Now i know what you were saying about DNAS
But Msichana si you are funny.
HAHAHAHA!! Nice..just how many times did she go like "hati whatt??" Its no wonder she's a Nyeri chick, some of them tend to be dumb as a post! (No offence to your pal)
Now, midget porn..what so wrong with it anyway? Its like Santas Elves having an orgy, cant be that bad..
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