About Blank

Vyombo Vya Mdinyo Part 1

2007-02-17T00:43:00.000-05:00

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I was chatting to a pal of mine the other day and he sent me a link to this website that sells "sensuous" stuff - http://www.tetezzo.net/link.php?LinkID=afb6473bddbac1b04e4815c6b49c1df8

While that being a commendable move, the description of the products is what caught my attention, more than the products . The descriptives are on a level of their own, not to mention typos here and there ( whatever happened to spell check ? )

So let me and my crazy guest blogger do a breakdown on the items shall we ?

Electric Burner & Incense
Now how are you supposed to stand astride this ka-mini nyungu so that your entertainment center can smell like morning "due" ( look at the typo ) what if simba kojoad at that very spot a few minutes before, where the morning dew is ? ebu explain to your mzee why theres a scent of mkojo na humo chini - is there money back guarantee on this ?
And what about the clueless kubaff of a man walks in on you and finds you astride in a semi squattin position as the fumes of the incense are being rising towards the ninio ? instant fujo right there !

Scent of a woman
Now we all know in raiaville, if mzee ingias the hao and bibi is in the kitchen, the first thought that will prolly come to his mind is "wee..mama nani, chakula tayari ?"
Apparently this magical "portion"(again typo from none other ) is to be pakwad on hair and thighs....now about the hair part...wont there be some sort of conflict of interest if the nywele smells like hair glo , only to tuangilia juu yake that magical "portion". Talk about throwing the horny bloodhound of a man off scent!
And supposedly the animal in him will kick in and the fireworks will begin ( note, fireworks apply only to chuti couples and work best during Diwali season )

Libido boosting Dietary supplements
Product speaks for itself, they figured fuck it ! ( pun intended to the max ) this is the Viagra for both men and women...let them deal with the symptoms! which I hear range from serious constipation with sporadic bouts of chronic diarrhoea - but hey look at the bright side, your libido will be in check !!

Bedroom shoes
I'm no fashion expert but when I see those shoes....its hard to picture the woman wearing them would be donning a lesso...if she went to great lengths to buy those shoes...don't you think something like lingerie would come to mind ? not a bright blue lesso that has a methali saying : Jogoo la shamba haliwiki mjini"
And women...we all know, theres no way we're going to be on the bed with shoes on...esp not if you're the one who does laundry....I can see the scenario taking a sour turn when Peninah tells Gideon..."weee wacha nitoe viatu, hakuna vile naosha hii bedcover tena" moment ruined, blue balls for Gideon, hasiras for Peninah !!!!
Perhaps the shoes should come with a coupon for drycleaning the shoe stained bedcovers ? do I smell a merger between White Rose Vip & Tetezzo ??

Vanilla scented candles
Vanila and nyeges ? hard to have those two being synonymous to one another...makes me look at my vanilla scented lotion from a whole new perspective.
Kesho as I paka myself Vanilla lotion I wonder if I will have the same thoughts the tetezzo peeps said would happen - utamtia nyege! doubt it but worth a try anyway !!

Room Spray
Vanilla is a natural aphrodisiac ?? wacha I shut up on this one.

Vanilla scented oil
How do you perfume a bedroom ? and how do you burn the oil...isn't that like a fire hazard in itself ? no instructions on how to burn it....nothing...thats upon you and whatever devices ...or maybe U can soak the mosquito coil in it and then burn the mosquito coil....not only will it "perfume" your bedroom, but it will be a quick merciless death for the annoying blood sucking buggers !

Aloe First spray
After making love you're constantly bruised and cut ? are U having sex with a hybrid of Mike Tyson and Wembe Wa Nacet ? it seals cuts immediately and hastens recovery for round two ?? does the spray also have a numbing effect too ? is that what the 'selected herbs' do ? if I or any other woman would have bruises, cuts and abrasions 'down under'......trust you me fellas, round two is totally out of the picture...and possibly even future round ones for that matter.
Itchiness down there ? shouldn't that be something a doctor should be looking into and not Aloe First ??

Aloe liquid soap
A breakthrough in soap science ( thank EGM for this ) the soap does not butcher the good bacteria - this is a soap with a conscience.
The million dollar question, is it for "down under" after being cut and bruised or ......

Artificial rose petals
Is it me or do I see a mboch being fired coz after a night of bruised lovemaking....maid ingiad the bedroom to clean up the morning after and she fagiad the 400 bob artificial rose petals that were strewn on the linoleum floor ?

Aloe Vera Deodorant Stick
The solution for Aco's roomie who had some serious BO issues !

Herbal Tooth Gel
First of all, is theres foul breath, definitely no kissing going down ! Miraculously, this freshening gum also sooths and heals cuts and abrasions from a night of mapenzi moto moto - kwani what went down ? someone gave head to a roll of barbed wire ? is that a new fad now ? maybe I'm in the dark, some one please enlighten me.

Much as I have butchered the woman's ideas, I do commend her admirably for taking such a bold step into doing this, the only thing I can say is that they need to re-strategize the wording on their descriptions... but other than that, A BIG KUDOS TO GERTRUDE MUNGAI !

1-800-BILA CLUE

2007-01-30T13:28:00.000-05:00

And a belated Happy new Year people !
You would think with a new year,I would turn over a new leaf and improve on certain aspects of my life, such as blogging...this is yet to happen...coz the aforementioend leaf cannot be found...so until then, I come to ye bloggers and ask that u thrown in suggestions on what I should blog about ( keep the suggestions within reason )...its all about baby steps with me re-entering blogsphere.

We shall call it the second coming !

So with that in mind....im all ears, and jus for added effect there might be a guest blogger...apparently we have one in our midst who uses his 'webbing' power to teletranspot his self from one post to the other !! tsk tsk you know who U are !

Happy Holidays

2006-12-22T11:59:00.000-05:00

Tis the season for me to take my well earned vacation...and out of town Im heading and with that in mind, y'all have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year !

I posed to take a pic with Santa but no sooner had I sat on his lap he turned me around and told me Ive been a bad gal...and before I could say anything..Thiongo the photographer clicked away and behold... I guess no gifts for me ..sniff sniff

Enjoy yourselves and be safe people !

Life's Lesson No. 1...

2006-12-04T22:10:00.000-05:00

I resurface...ask no questions as to where I was...

Per our past conversation people, I brought it to your attention that I had been somewhat cornered by the relentless German car driving man who hails from the land where the great Omweri was last spotted...MOVING ON

Oduori decided to make sure that I kept my end of the bargain and he had to take his "lady friend", namely me to an eatery of my choice (sigh)... Dude decided to use his PDA to its maximum capability...I first got a text from him on a Friday night. I replied. Then he calls me the next morning, which happened to be a weekend - at freaking 9:00 AM ( was a memo not passed to you Mr O..?? hmmmm...because Queen Bee does not rise at such ungodly hours on the weekend !! ). I ignored his call, last time I checked in my scales of freakin priorities on the weekend...sleep comes before convo with Oduori. My subject will have to wait until I wake up from my slumber.

Two hours later I’m awake, have had breakfast and am somewhat ready to face the day..when the phone rings. It's usually on vibrate but at times I will change it to alert mode, where it actually tells me who’s callin and since the simu was programmed to pronounce only jungu names...it dices Mr O's name saying "call from Odarai..call from Odarai". It was amusing, other than the fact that I had to face the man phone to phone so to speak... So I answer and dude sounds like he's on his tenth cup of kahawa chungu ( the kind those long distance derevas from back home drink to keep themselves awake). We agree on a time and venue and I get him off the phone hurriedly with some flimsy excuse of me having to water my plants ( wtf devious? do you even have plants in the house ? ). He offers to come pick me up ..heheheheh Oduori, I’m ten steps ahead of you...no way you're comin to my castle. Besides, I already just told him an effed up lie about havin to water plants so if he comes over he will wonder where the plants are ( yeah he's observant like that ).

So we meet at the venue and he's already there and OMG ...why is dude donning them killa shoes again?!? And when I say killa, I mean killa for real coz them shoes slay my soul everytime I see them on his feet. And I happen to be near him. I could care less if he wore the shoes while trekkin some Bolivian jungle, but next to me ?? That's another story ! For those who need a refresher on how they look...they resembled something like this. I really didnt make eye contact with them shoes lest I turned into a pillar of salt or something along those lines ( I would later learn my lesson of the consequencies of using a Biblical reference to diss Mr O ).

We ingia the restarurant and proceed to order food...jus like the first time me and Oduori went to eat, he plays a staring game at the menu and Kumesh is not too amused by his indecisiveness but finally he orders something... Hoorraayyy!! It's about damn time ! Shortly after, the food is brought, which I kula, enjoying every morsel. All the while, my counterpart nitpicks on his food. Oh well to each his own. I came, I ate, I conquered ! We hang out for a while and I find out I can only take small doses of Oduori at at time, coz he then started getting waaay to comfy and it was time to put a stop to the tasselled shoe wearing man madness.

Now dont get me wrong, I did appreciate the meal Oduori bought for his lady friend... and thank him I did. Suprisingly I do have manners tihihihihih. We both parted ways and I fika home and even before my tanyes gets to meet the couch, my phone screams "call from Odarai"...Yes Odu...I mean hey whassup...yeah thx for dinner again...tomorrow ? Can I get back to you on that ? I'm uummmm teachin some Guatemalan kids english ( devious ??? What is wrong with you ? ) I know I'm going to hell. I've already started practicing how eternal fire and brimstone feel like by takin hot scalding showers !

I stayed awake for a long time watching movies and then my tumbo started feeling funny ( see Indian food ) , I took some tumbo medicine but I just ignored it and continued watching flicks until around 4 am and I was still chonjo like a wachie...So I take half a sleeping pill coz I was sooo alert it wasnt even funny ( maybe at that point I shoulda applied for a watchie job ). So I go to bed and soon the dawa starts kicking in....and off to sleep I go...

IT DOESNT END THERE....

And this is where the karma part kicks in for me laughin at Oduori about his shoes and making a biblical reference as to avoiding direct eye contact with his shoes..

Devious Life's Lesson number One....

Do not take laxatives and sleeping pills....................at the same time

And we're back to normal programming !

2006-10-08T21:20:00.000-04:00

Bloggers blogger bloggers ( insert thinking man pose ) greetings to you all !!
I think at this point my guise of having bloggers block is quite evident that I suffer from no such condition ...but rather sheer laziness ( and I hang not my head in shame ) them gay people quip "they're out and proud" and I quip along with them... rainbow colours..freaking unicorn and all... I am a lazy blogger and damn proud of it !

Well people..today is my birthday ! so if anyone has a drink in hand at this weird hour ( looks at Udi... ) please do make a toast and EGM, you can raise your test tube as well, just dont down the pottasium sulphate - the results are deadly !! and we all know that reception in underground labs is virtually non existent that even the Verizon dude wont say "can you hear me now" coz he just knows there will be no one on the other end to tell him "dio ninakuskia!" so theres no chance of your 911 call going through.

I've gotten to the point where my birthday is just another day as opposed to my younger years when I' start reminding Mother Dearest a month prior, that her only daughters birthday was coming up ( like the poor woman had a battalion of kids not to remember ) and I would tell her what I wanted ( bila shame by the way ) and even tell her what kind of cake I wanted ( again...shamelessly ) I dont know how the woman didnt turn around and just stuff one of my school socks in my mouth and then proceed to beat the shyt out of me for wearing her patience thin ( why the sock in my mouth you ask ? to stifle the blood curdling screams ofcourse )
Well, anyway, point is I no longer celebrate my birthdays, but I do thank Sir God for granting me another year. So the celebrations have now been replaced with acts of self indulgence which almost borderline hedonism ( you only live once people !!! )

So on Friday evenign I went to get my hair done and I go to the salon, this time I decided not to go to Jonet my Nigerian sisto but some other Senegalese mama my friend recommended. I call the mama a couple of days before to set up an appointment and she tells me the price and then she asks( insert semi naija accent ) " where are you from ?" I told her Kenya..and she said " ok, I give you ten dollars off" . I thank her and hang up the phone.

Fast forward to D-Day and I go to the mamas salon and Im soon greeted by some funkious odor that started from the stairway andall the way to her salon...only Sir God knows what the exact funk was...even Glade or Yolanda couldnt have taken care of the smell but I braced myself and walked in ( flag numero uno).I had called the mama whom we shall call Aminata, who told me to go to her shop at 4 pm. I fika there, why is she still working on Shakwandas hair ?? (flag numero deux ) my mvaite blood starts to simmer lakini I breathe in deeply and say wusaaa on the inside. She then tells me not to worry shes almost done and gives me magazines to kill time, time that I coulda been doing something else somewhere but now Im stuck in these hot salon that is full of putrid fumes and if borderline hypochondriac me had known this is what lay in store for me I would have brought my charcoal filtered gas mask ( a present from EGM ).

Its like I knew what lay ahead of me for I had carried some lemonade in my water bottle, but this was not just any other ordinary lemonade...It was spiked with some good ole Russian Vodka and when I say some, it may sound like it was a shot or two but it was more than that. Theconcotion was for calming my nerves as I get my hair yanked in all sorts of directions that a compass wouldnt even decipher - thats my story and Im sticking to it - I swear, this has nothing to do with the fact that my hands shake if I lapse several hours before taking a swig of my "lemonade" hehehehehehehe.

So now its my turn to get my hair done.Amanita grabs a comb and you know my eyes dart to the comb faster than the speed of light to make sure its not a wooden comb like the tortourous one my friend Jonet likes using. No wooden comb in sight..all is well, for now....
All was well too soon because the woman opened up her makwapas - lo and behold ! Officer Johnson this is an open shut case ! this must be the source of the putrid fumes !! Auuuuuuuu mpaka I started thinkin that Amanita must have been in the same summit as Bush & Hugo Chavez, and she must have marked her scent before Chavez fikad podium and Chavez not knowing this, spewed the following diatribe : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8IoCmmm2UG0&amp;mode=related&search=

Yani is there a pact that was passed early in the years of OAU that West Africans should not use deodorant ? coz even Jonet is pretty much like our recent de-KBW'ed member Aco's roomate !! WTF ?? there needs to be a major campaign for those peeps to indulge in some deo..esp once they panda SabenaAirways heading to Dubyaville ! news flash Amanita and the rest, deo is not expensive !!! for crying out loud you charge me $120 for doing my hair but you will not dish out $ 3.99 for deo ?? I fail to understand...I really do.

Then to make matters worse, I look at the source of the funk, her makwapas and not only is deo foreign to the woman, so is shaving ....her masharubus, yes people, masharubus, coz them hairs stopped being armpit hair like a decade ago and now resemble a backfired curly kit thats been smothered with enough hair sheen - the sheen ofcourse being beads or should we say marbles of sweat which look like they just might defy gravity, landing suqare on my jeans. I hastily gulp my beverage greedily so as to numb myself from what Im seeing and stop focussing on her armpits.

So an hour or so passes and I can start feeling the effects of my lemonade, when I decide to look ( why why why ? ) at her armpits again and factors like the heat, pits fumes, mixed in with hints of couscous and smoked fish make me semi hallucinate and all over sudden I see a bark clothed Ituri forest pygmy staring at me dead in the eye ! WTF ?? I look away to refocus my eyes then look again..and the pygmy is still staring at me !! what the...so I i try to concentrate on the movie Amanita had put on . Then I hear ppsssssssst.....( I ignore ) more pssssssst comes from her pits...zii theres no way Im looking - but I do anyway and now the pygmy is talkin to me in some language I cant understand ! and to make matters worse..Im trying to decipher what its telling me !!

What the heck is going on ? I look around to see if anyone else is seeing and hearing the pygmy but everyone in the room seems oblivious to the situation. What to do devious ? what to do ? so I close my eyes and forcefully take a nap while my hair is being yanked all over the place and I say the Lords prayer lakini I dont get to finish it coz I soon fall asleep ( shetani ashindwe!! ) . The nap was nice except for the times when Amanita decided my head needed to be facing Northwest at a 47 degrees( no typo here....I know I said 47 and EGM please put your protactor down before you start tryin to see if such an angle exists ).

So after a while I wake up and for reasons I dont know, I look at her makwapas again and this time I dont see the pygmy...Glory be to heaven I say ! so Im trying to figure out what in the world came over me to have thought that I saw a bark clothed pygmy in someone elses armpits, and then I remembered that about an hour prior going to Amanitas, I had taken half a Vicadin coz I had a migrane...and I guess the painkiller and my "lemonade" were at war and the results were my hallucinations ! But Im tellin you, that dude in Amanitas makwapas was real ! at the time ofcourse.

My hair is finally done, I pay Amanita and with my new do, Im out of her joint and welcome the smog humid air that greets me outside. I decide to stop by some Indian joint to reward thyself with some food (remember deviouses hedonistic tendencies on the days before and on her birthday ?) and Im waiting for my food when I hear a familiar voice that makes me stop dead on my tracks ....and who does the voice belong to ? none other than (drum roll and nyatiti please ) Oduori !!!

Why why why ?? I brace myself and turn around and dude now has a metallic blue tooth on his ear, that coincidentally matches his PDA...and is yapping away in a Tyrone/Oduori accent. Then when he sees me he tells te party on the other end he's going to call them back and approaches me (insert gnashing teeth ) I smile and say hi, but dude insists on hugging even though my body language clearly screams lets just shake hands. On and on he chatters about how busy he's been and how things have been looking up and all ( good for you dude , now order your food and lets part ways ) so now Panjit chimes in and asks me while addressing or should I say gawking at madams matitis whether its for here to go and before I can answer its to go ....Oduori tells Panjit - "it will be for here and I will be paying for hers and mine as well" and places his order.

All over sudden the hanjams I had for my food have vamoosed and I just want to go to a land far far away where Oduori cannot find me( even pygmy land would be okay ). But alas this is not the case. The man then looks at his coveted PDA and asks me if I changed my number coz he has called me several times ( do we not get the hint Mr-look-at-my-German motokaa-PDA-toting-self?) then he looks at my contact info and he smiles and says..."aaaaah your b/day is tomorrow ...I need to get you a present, what do you want ?" aaaaaaaarrrrgh "Nothing Oduo... nothing (insert real name ) you dont have to get me anything, let the meal you paid for be my birthday present" the man shakes his shiny noggin in disagreement " no no no...you're my lady friend ( WTF ?? who says lady friend ? ) I will take you to to the mall and you can pick something"

If this were my knight in shining armour, then I might have been up for the idea but this is not the case - I refuse to budge on the issue and he insists he will have to get something for his "lady friend" so we eat our meal whilst carryin on easy conversation, I mean, granted, we do have similar interests.After the meal, I thank him and tell dude we have to part ways as I have stuff to do - the man is relentless, hes now asking me if I have plans for the evening...I tell him yes even though I know very well I shall be at home, propped up on the couch nursing my scalp, my drug and alky induced buzz andwatchin the telly. Im so glad dude does not know where I live coz I wouldnt be suprised if he "dropped by" just because he was in the neighbourhood,

Oduori wears me down to the point where I just agree to hang out with him ( and hopefully his brother hahahahhahahaha I'm not called Devious for nothing ) sometime next week and no sooner did I say yes he flashes his PDA and pencils me in ( again, how freakin lucky I am to be in his PDA ) so now Im officially in his to do list I guess...sigh...this must be karma for all the horid thoughts I had about Amanitas BO....

So this coming week I am seeing Oduori.....

PS
Devious pops another half Vicadin pill and signs off to get some hallucinative hopefully pygmy free sleep....

PPS
The pic posted was on my b/day when I was still a youngin..its not the clearest pic but I will update it by tomorrow and even add some more interesting pix of lil' ndevias !

I Quit this Bitch ! ( Im jus quoting people)

2006-09-08T14:30:00.000-04:00

So I was driving to work today and as usual my ADD cannot let me listen to just one station, so I was station surfing when I came across this one station and they were talkin abou thow this radio host from some station in Alabama had jus about had it with her work and co-workers and how she quit in a way that most would like to do but cant or dont for that matter.

Now only in Dubyaville I tell ya..that no sooner did this come out on air..there was a remix to the good riddance and a site thats selling I Quit this Bitch stuff...only in Dubyaville.

So here's the link guys and tell me if this aint the funniest and most original way of quitting a job U didnt like hahahaha..enjoy !

"I Quit This Bitch!" and on the air no less...(with audio!)
http://www.urbaninsite.com/replay/iquitthisbitch.mp3

She is my hero !!!

Tag it is then !

2006-08-03T12:43:00.000-04:00
Sup bloggers and blogettes, I know I've taken more than my fair share of Sabbatical away from blogging...two main contributing factors for this dilemma is serious unaccounted laziness and even more serious blogk ( bloggers block ). Then me being the scatterbrain that I am, somehow ended up posting a reply to Prousettes post as a blog ( an error I realized like three days later...will need to up my Ginkgo Goloba dosage...this kind of ufalaness is inexcusable on my part ) and to make matters worse, I haven't even deleted it and as I was reading the comments Mr. Sandman decides to tag me !

So I came up with a list of six factoids on devious ( see how I've referred myself as a third person..means I'm de-placating myself from the situation consciously , as in should You find the six facts about me disturbing or boring for that matter...I shall blame it on my alter ego )
The list was created in my usual morning mkutano which I find to be booooring and my machos are usually on half mast the entire time and I've perfected on feigning my participation in the meeting by nodding my noggin up and down in approval or disapproval and scribbling ghost notes which I like to call mathogothanios maximus !!!
God forbid the day they ask me to share my notes with them coz I will jus humbly slide out of my chair, pack my viragos in a box ( office stapler included ) and with my head up high, walk out of the office and yell to the confused lot of co- workers - I CANT TAKE THIS ANYMORE !!!!

Chances are I will call later in the afternoon and apologize to Massuh aka boss and tell him I was low on cash and could not afford to refill my prescription of anti-depressants and borderline schizophrenic epileptic episodes medicine ( no such combi condition exists but hey what do I have to lose ) .....and that excuse right there will ensure my return to work after a day or two coz the boss wouldn't want to fire me due to an existing medical condition due to a little thing called unfair practices ( ACLU please step in any time ) - bloggers, and that's why I LOVE DUBYAVILLE !

*drumroll here it comes*

1 > As a child I had weird disturbing tabias and where they stemmed from only the good Lord knows..these were -
- As soon as someone shook my hand I would smell my hand...right in there face !! bila aibus, much to my mums horror and the poor woman couldn't get me to stop it regardless of the acts of violence she threatened to do unto me...the same disturbing tabia happened whenever we had guests and no sooner did they leave the hao and my mum would go to escort them, I would go smell the seats, this one my mum didn't know for a minute until one day when she caught me with my nose sniffing for who knows what in the warm cushion that still had the mgenis matako imprint on it still and my mum didn't even know where to start...she went and poured herself a cup of tea I guess while trying to figure out what the heck was wrong with me and what punishment seemed appropriate for that kind of behaviour...and the woman knew how to get back at me coz she was like no watching the telly - WHAT ?? mummy here's the belt, jus chapa the crap out of me and let's get it over with but the TV ?? I still didn't learn my lesson regardless but somehow this hand/ass smelling fetish phased out by itself.

- I also drank my mum's Ladygay lotion ( ok peeps the pink shit was sweet and I had a notorious sweet tooth and mapengos to prove it as well ! )
to the point mathe had to hide her lotion at all times...this habit crossed over to my eating copious amounts of Vaseline, Kimbo and Blueband too and jus in case you're wondering..NO diarrhea episode ever stemmed from this habit ..and it too phased out

2 > I go all hypochondriac when I use public restrooms - I probably need to see a doctor for this coz I don't like anything of mine touching the walls the floor or anything ! its so bad that I vuruta my pants to my knees so that the hem doesn't touch the floor and one time my friend saw this and she was like what the heck is going on in there and I told her how I cant stand my pants touching the floor and she thought I had lost it ! that said...I also do the infamous tanye tilt coz these Godiva cheeks of mine are not touching the toilet seat either...flushing involves a pose that resembles Jackie Chan posing with one leg in the air ready to kick the crap out of Woo Fung..only this time my kick goes to the flushing thingamajig and opening the door involves me using some tissue and I then wash my hands with enough soap....and it is with the same tissue I use to hold the lever to yank napkins form the napkins dispenser...once I wipe my hands..I use the napkin to close the faucet and also open the door with it and the once useful napkin is quickly disposed in a trash can. People, I have it down to a science !!
The same procedure applies to some peoples haos if they seem suspect of not being at one with cleanliness and I must confess that I have a habit of looking in peeps showers when I'm in the bathroom so as to sorta gauge the cleanliness factor...if I see a brown tub that once was white with mold around the caulking...TANYE TILT all the way it is !!

3 > In retrospect to my bathroom habits, I have a crossword puzzle book and a dictionary in my bathroom and whether Im there for a number one or two ... I must do a puzzle and at times I get so engrossed in it I will continue doing it even when I'm done doing the deed, I jus sit there and pen away. its a fascination I have for words, I also have another crossword and dictionary in my bedroom. Scrabble is also another fave past time of mine though it infuriates me when I play with someone and they put words like * was, here, but, and *

4 > Patience is a virtue I truly lack and I dread when I get to have kids coz that means I have to actually work on my flaw which is also tied directly to my flaming ADD ..for example, I can watch three shows simultaneously almost..as soon as one show goes into commercial break I switch to the other one, this drives my victim or as you earthlings call them, the dude I'm kinda seeing, up the wall ( insert evil laugh ) ...I'm sooo bila time for commercials and I'm a remote hog too...like I move around the hao with it if he comes over so that he doesn't change the channel !!! I'm a true tyrant when it comes to the remote control, I become a tyrant despotic hostess with similar traits like Idi Amin ama Stalin.

5 > I seldom divulge the fact that I'm an only child because as soon as I do that people automatically assume I'm spoiled, which I'm not ( surprise surprise ) Mother dearest made sure I never got away with anything and it was kinda hard to coz there was only one toi in the hao so if things go awry..there's no Sherlock Holmes or Inspekta Sikujua being brought to solve the mystery of why the sugar is AWOL or why the TV was warm when I was supposed to be doing homework !! my mum has chapad me twice in her lifetime and those beatings were truly justified and still fresh in my mind aaaaand flesh ...and the first one happened when I was in Std 2 when I followed this kid to their hao after school ( I hid from Riziki the mboch who had come to pick me up ) so I went to my friend hao and stayed there and lied to her parents that my mum knew where I was...I remember it rained heavily on that day and my mum was in a panic coz she thought the worst had happened and she called the cops but they were like until 24 hrs pita we cant put an APB on your kid... do you know I fikad home like almost 10pm strolling casually like the kababa of the mtaa who ingias home with a gazetti under his makwapa and half kilo of nyaki in hand...the woman's relief soon turned into like Incredible Hulks anger ..yani I saw veins that I never knew existed and her machos narrowed into angry slits and then she proceeded to vamia with everything in sight from my books to the vitambaas in the living room, her patipatis..the mboches patipatis.. she was VERY close to taruaing her chiffon blouse and yelling like in wrestling a RAW IS WAR !

The Second Coming aka Operation Destroy Devious was from me stealing money from her purse and this was done when she was taking a shower... and it started with a penny coz back in the day a penny could buy you a candy or two...and I grew bolder by taking 5 cts, 10 cts, 50 cts...then behold I moved into the ranks of one shilling and so forth...need I point out I was the most popular kid in class coz I used to go to the kiosk and buy my classmates sweets...so one day I was bold enough to steal ten bob and mathe noticed her chums was missing so she asked the mboch ( poor Riziki ) and ofcourse she denied any partaking of the crime...my mum didn't even think her cherub would be the one doing it so she didn't even ask me ( insert evil laughter and snort ) Riziki was told if more money went missing she would be fired ( more evil laughter ) .

Figuring I had gotten away with it, with boldness matching akina Wanugu or John Kiriamiti...I hepeshad 20 bob !! that was in the early 80's so you know that was mob chums then. So we're having breakfast and my mum decided to put a handkerchief in my pocket when she felt something and she pulled out a crisp 20 bob note ( insert vein popping, eyes narrowing into evil slits...claws sharpening themselves ..the whole nine yards ) from my pocket - my mum was sooo angry that she even gave me time to finish my breakfast and she told me to go to her room when done - all over sudden the Elliott bread with enough blueband and bournvita didn't seem too appetizing coz I jus saw RAW IS WAR and my so called life flash before my eyes. lets not forget Rizikis murderous stare coz had I not been caught she would have been in the next Wepesi Express bus heading home.

So I ate my breako, begrudgingly and took myself to the Lions den ...my mum told me to lock the bedroom and give her the key - can we say D.E.A.D !!!...she asked me how long I'd been stealin money from her and me being the danda that I am, denied any wrong doing - and that my friends is what broke the camels back coz no sooner did I say that....the woman brandished a ka narrow red leather belt and told me to panda her bed....she then chapad my thighs and tanyes with the buckle end of it YES THE BUCKLE and she was not being gentle..any trace of her ever pushing me out of the womb were not evident ! even akina Kunta Kinte did not have it as bad as I did .

This went on for a looong minute and when her wrath had sorta kwishad or maybe it was when my eyes rolled back into there sockets as I lay limp and lifeless, I swear I saw a vulture hovering right outside the window.......will never know which, did she stop and with utmost calm...she picked up the phone and called my headmaster and explained I was going to be getting to school late coz Id been stealing money from her and she had to do what any other parent ( or as a Massuh would do to a run away slave caught ) would have done and I could hear Mr. Gachungwa agreeing as well. Then to add salt to injury I was not even dropped to school...foot patrol it was and the pissed off Riziki was to take me there...woman, mother have mercy upon me..you jus chapad my legs and now they're plump and tender and now I have to walk ?? it gets worse people....

Turns out Mr. Gashungwa went ahead and told my evil class teacher Mrs. Maina...the woman was the devils incarnate for real...she was a mean spirited woman who asserted her authority on kids like her life depended on it ! I digress.....
Anyway,when I entered the class she made me stand infront of everyone and decided to denounce me to the class ( earth please swallow devious jr ...pleeeaaase ) then to finish the humiliation perfectly she went to the cupboard and took out her "special" torture stick which was a kijiti stuffed in black pvc piping....when does the madness end ?? I will say that this taught me a very good lesson I never went near my mums purse and even if she told me she'd brought me candy or if she needed anything from her purse...I wouldn't touch it.,...I would bring the purse to her and let her take out whatever it was - either goody goody or money for buying milk. There was no way devious'es hands were rummaging through her purse without her presence !!

6 > I'm a very open minded person and don't limit myself to who I would date per se based on race or what not though I'm currently on a hiatus from dating peeps from here coz majority of them don't know anything about Kenya and quite frankly I just got tired of being an unpaid uncommisioned cultural ambassador with questions like what language do you speak, how many tribes, what's the capital etc etc ( remember the patience flaw I previously mentioned ?? ) GOOGLE the word Kenya, have a freaking field day and leave me the fuck alone !!! luckily my current victim is knowledgeable of my country even though he's not a raia but he did tap on my last nerve some weeks ago when he was asking me questions when I was watching Court TV and hell hath no fury like devious robbed of her time watching forensic files - so I snapped and gave him a book about Kenya and told him " here, read this I'm watching my show" and with out missing a beat continued watching my show while he was looking at me like what the heck .....but the mvaite in me was having none of it ! Read on dude...read on !!

( I will cheat and add one more factoid )

7 > I do not PMS ......with this divulged, I usually have a friendly disposition 30 / 31 days a month . But when I'm hungry, I'm like a raging African water buffalo...until I get to some food please do not cross my path. Hunger is a biach and I can be one too when my stomach is on empty !!!

So there peeps ya have it !

And with that...I tag Msanii, Nakeel, Kelitu, Archer & Udi !!

Chez Moi#comments

2006-08-01T11:26:00.000-04:00

ahem...I see I take the silver medal spot ...wacha I go read the article, as soon as I rememebr what password I have for these nation peeps ( notes to self to come up with iniversal password )

Ikemefune By Default !

2006-06-13T21:48:00.000-04:00

Its been a minute people but with the fishes and jus getting the feeling back in my face after a harrowing 8.5 hours of having my hair braided by this Naija mama, I'm almost fully recovered to re-emerge into the blogsphere.

I got my hair braided sometime back in March and by now the braids which were once picturesque, with a sheen and all were barely holding on to my hair and some of them had stopped fighting the let's-cling-on-to-devious's-hair so the braids at times would jus anguka bila aibus so it fikad a point like the last three weeks I made sure my hair was in a mosodo coz it's one thing if they braids fall shamelessly in my digimo...it's a total differient scenario when that happens at work.
Guys, Im not even exaggerating, it had fikad a point where I'd practiced a couple of excuses ( and sad ones for that matter ) jus in case a megan or heather saw a stray braid on the floor and since we don't have a big population of mirus in the office ( 4 including me and one's a guy so that totally rules him out...the rest have perms) so all fingers , mine included will be pointed at none other than devious !!

Now the mama who does my hair is a Naija and I think I happen to have an affinity with akina Okonkwo and such coz even my mechanic is a Naija who bila aibus hits on me even when he's under the hood of my moti and all I can see of him is part of his greasy overalls and some Northstar looking shoes which are drenched in grease as well ! But what to do...Okonkwo yes I will be your wife ...but first you must fix my car so I can go to my parents and tell them what a diamond in the rough ( and literally rough ) I've found, ok ?? to which he says "na prablam madam"

I digress....

So I call the mama who does my hair and I'll jus give you a snippet of the convo:

Devious: hey Janet ( not real name coz my scalp is under her mercy

Janet: halla,who is dis

Devious: It's me ( insert real name

Janet: Oooooooohh mai sisto, awa you ( how are you)

Devious: I'm fine, hey liston..eeerr I mean listen, I need to get my hair done ASAP

Janet: Ok ok ok, my sisto I can only do yo hea on Sonday oftonoon, is dat ok ?

Devious: Sunday afternoon it is den..eer then ( dammit stop imitating the woman )

With that in mind..I figured there would be no plot for the wekeend, my energies shall be geared towards bomoaing the hea eerr hair. I see peeps undoing their braids from where they were shukwad and to me that sjus a dam waste of time, half the labour by chopping them synthetic/humain hair depending on your budget preferences to where your real hair is and start from there - and I say this coz I've seen a couple of chicas do that..bila time...moving on.....so it doesnt really take much time for me to undo my hair, wash it, then condition it and if my hair thought it had a chance of freedom by seeing some sunshine, it was sadly mistaken because I wrapped it under a kilemba coz errands had to be run and my hair is at an awkward length where even in its natural state it doesnt look cute and its at this point I say fuck afrocentricity !

Come D-day, I go over to Janets house and I see there are drastic changes or maybe improvements to the house decor...last time I was here Janet had a small TV, dont get me wrong,there's nothing wrong with a small tv..but now, there was a bigger one right next to it, with its own stand and the whole nine yards and might I add a very conspicuous christmas tree, lights and all on the left...next to the TV's.

Woman, did Martha Stewart redo your hao when she was on a crack binge or in remission of some hallucogenic drug ? nini hii ?? forget the two TV's lined together, whats with the towering christmas tree ? its ( I look at the date and month to reconfirm on my PDA tsk tsk ) June !! this glorious festive holiday passed long time ago even the Chinese with their confusing calender already had theirs...I feel an aneurysm coming and I have to stop myself. Get your hair done..be expressionless for a day or three coz of how the scalp has tightened thanks to janets fingers even though she swears by saying " Jonet don pull hea "which scares me at times coz why is she referring to herself as the third person ??

The woman is good at braiding I must admit, besides, Iget a mini face lift for the price of a hair do so I can complain on that department, the only beef I have with her is she puts Naija movies and music videos the entire time she's doing your hair. She is considerate coz she will show you the Naija movies that have english sub-titles. When I got there I found this akata mama who was getting her hair done and she looked bored out of hermind coz when I waled in as you know who would have it was watching a Naija flick and atleast me being a kenyan I can somehow understand the humor thanks to fgrowing up watching shows like Vioja Mahakamani, Tushauriane.. now Lakresia over here is befuddled by all of these but oh well ..ambience was not part of the deal !

Then the ordeal begins and the mama is old school mpaka she uses a wooden comb and it looks like the love of her life Okonkwo carved it "jos fo jonet" and I had to tell Jonet..yes Jonet to use my kichana coz quite honestly the wooden comb is a torture device and sado masochism is not my cuppa ! I can jus feel her hot pepe ( pepper) soup breath on my neck and I can imagine by now her nostrils are flaring like an enraged African water buffalo sorry toots, theres no way I'm having the wooden comb ploughing through my scalp..no way !

She stars braiding my hair and she remembers she mos enteratin her costomer ( no typos ) and she puts the first movie ( dvd kwanza ! ) and its funny how they format the movies coz the movie started and then in the middle of nowhere, commercials and music videos started showing and let me not even mention the poor sound quality ( you can almost hear the woman of the mtaa seliing yams outside the studio ) The moment when I almost thinking I've seen it all...these guy in a loud voice screams G STRING CARNIVAA !!! ( but the screen spells out carnival but when in Rome.....) EXOTIC UMEN ( women ) and then they show these mamas doing a Naija booty shake and they're in bikini bottoms with enough stretch marks to male Plamers cocoa butter manufacturers not only cringe but give them a life time supply of the stuff ! but they dont show the faces of the women coz Im guessing they would bring shame to the family and village perhaps ??

Janet being the decent woman she is grabs the remote controls and she says ( and I quote ) " dis is nonsense" and with that, the woman pressed her pudgy plausible thumb on the fast forward button and it even looked funnier seeing Naija chicks gyrating their matakos on fast forward ( x4 ) which I would asusme is the fastsest it could allow Jonet to do and you should have seen the womans face..sheer disgust ( she must be a Truphena as well where missionary position it is with her husband ) so I was laughing at what I was seeing on the tely and Jonets expression ( which looked like she had dug her teeth into some raw fufu ) and she was so not amused by thios and she was like "why you loffing. dis not funny, dis is nonsense, dats devuls work ".Devul ? I ask....

I jus wanted her to confirm what I said plus hear her say it again and she says, "yes the devulhe make dem gols dance like dat..like bad uman" uman ?? I know peeps from Central esp. butcher the language..but this woman was mass murdering the Queens language. Off with her head the queen would have said if Jonet had been in Brito back in the days when the guillotines were the preferred choice of execution.

So the events of the day repeated themselves...my hair and scalp were being pulled in all angles and I was subjected to watching movie after movie after movie and at one point when I couldn't take it no more I suggested to the mama we watch the news or something other than the damn dvds and she got kidogo defensive, shook her head and was like " ee ee you don't like de movies ?" That's besides the point woman, it's been 5 hours and then some and alI I've stared at besides the Christmas tree that wouldn't even fit on Santa Clauses reindeer is the screen with all these movies and quite frankly cultural as I am, I just can't take any more of this ( second episode of aneurysm about to happen )Jonet does not budge and we continue with now what I'm calling the "Nigerian video torture".....the Chinese's water torture has been an unproven success and people I'm here to tell you so does the Naija one !

I'd carried a book but it was kinda hard to read it with all the noise in the background from the telly and one more thing about the movies I saw..whoever was in charge of the subtitles did a poor job because at one point the sub-titles were sporadic because the characters would have a three minute convo bila sub titles and that would throw me off then I'm guessing at this point Obasanja the guy in charge would wake up or some from selling roasted yams outside and type in the sub-titles...far fetched as it may sound, it wouldn't surprise me.

A friend of mine called me and that was a good distraction from all the melee that was going on and so we're vybing on the simu and I noticed now my nywele was being vurutwad even more and the hot pepe breath could be felt in the back of my neck...now what did I do Jonet ?I vumilia and continue with the convo and I guess when Jonet couldn't take any more of my cell yapping she told me" you have to get off da phone" and me being the kichwa ngumu I had to ask why ( ouch woman that's my scalp not a freaking basket you happen to be weaving !) and she said ( again I quote ) "when you talk your head bobos" ? WHAT ? "your head bobos mai sisto"now I think I'm pretty good at deciphering and un encrypting shrubs and the likes but this word "bobo" threw me off kabisa I have the deer in headlights look...and she then yanks my hair like they were reins on a horse and directed my macho to a bubble head figurine of Micheal Vick on top of the TV." Dat bobo head toy bobos its head jos like you ! mai sisto, I'm trying to braid your hea fost so you can leave oly"I've never laughed so hard...bobo is bubble head..Jonet, mai sisto, the award for Language Butcherer goes to you - undisputedly !

Despite my request to watch something else ( whatever happened to the phrase - the customer is always right ? ) and then she instantly became the cell phone nazi in 5 nano seconds, I took it like a hard heart soldier and prayed that the woman would finish my hair soon before my brain imploded.Well, all good and bad things do come to an end and eight and a half hours later my hair was done, no braids were clinging on to the last split end of my hair or follicle from the root ...( mwedi uthaka dacayaga) ...and now there's a disgruntled horse walking around somewhere bila its beautiful tail so as to accommodate the lifestyles of people like me but what the heck, isn't that one of the reasons we're on top of the food chain ? and its with the same reasoning I eat meat ( my vegetarian friend...you know who you are..as you read this...you now know my reason for my unpledging and undying love for meat.

Now wacha I go to the store and buy me a helmet even though I do not own nor ride a motorcycle but with this flowing hair of mine..I must do a Demi Moore or Lucy Liu in Charlie's Angels when they get off the bike, remove their helmet and sashay their hair and you know there had to be a perfect breeze for the nywele to be pepeteshwad.....I know I will look odd wearing a helmet while driving my moti but who is to deny me my glorifying moment ?? I dare even the boys in blue to do so.

What God and Janet have done to my hair, no man can come between it !

Oduori no more.......for now

The fishes & bermuda triangle of sorts !

2006-05-26T09:54:00.000-04:00

My follow up post for the trip to the fishes has been more than a tad late but about it .....so here goes the saga....

Come Wednesay I got a call from yours truly Mr O, jus to say hi and also to see if we were still on for the Sato plot ( yes yes we are Oduori, remember you badgered me into submission ?? )

We carry on the phone for longer than I deem necessary , or maybe its because he called me when I was watching the telly and my ADD was ebbing in and out and the convo on my end consisted of alot of "ahas"... '"wows".... "no way".... "you gotta be kididng me" ...."get outta here" ( these modern cliche expressions have saved me many a times from actually engaging in mundane conversations because it gives the other person the impression that you're really engrossed in whatever blah blah is coming out of that orifice called a mouth )

I looked at my cellphone and I was like haiya ! 9 minutes and 39 seconds have elapsed and Mr Oduori, with all due respect, I do not have the luxury of a TiVO or DVR where I can rewind whatever I'm missing so I harakishad him ( almost used the gotta go take a dump, my sphincter muscles are about to give in line ) off the phone with the promise of calling him back on Friday ( jot that on your PDA buddy ! )

So now I'm thinking to myself, there's no way the fishes trip is going to be exclusively with Mr O...this has to be a group effort aka the folks who tried to set me up with him must be present !
I call friend B and I tell her not to make any plans for Sato and shes like :

Friend B: arent you supposed ot be going with Oduori to see the fishes ?"

Me: You cross eyed heifer ! you're the one who started all of this and I'll be damned if I suffer from the bad breath by myself !

( Freind B is cornered into submision...MISSION ACCOMPLISHED )

I know this whole scenario begs the question - why not jus call the whole thing off, yes I could do that and crush Oduori's PDA or heart or feelings but Im doing this for ahem... ( shifts eyes ....sign of lies to come ) you readers - Yes bloggers and blog readers...this is for the greater good of non educational reading matter !

Mr O gets a call from me and I suggest Friend B and her boyfie come along since they hadnt seen the fishes - I mean aquarium. Dude seems kidogo perturbed but oh well, thats my stand and I'm not budging but ofcourse I'm a sly mbweha and my demands are served subtley( on a silver platter might I add ) with a hint of aggression ( he never saw it coming ) and he begrudingly agreed ( GOTCHA SUCKA ! )

Come D-Day and Oduori calls me at 9 am ( ngamia its freaking 9 am on a freaking Saturday morning ! even the monks are still enjoying the pleasures of a gondoro & Raymond blankets ) I curse his diesel driving car ass out...in my head that is, mute my phone and go back to sleeping. Oduori dont you know the Queen Bee is not to be disturbed at such hours ?? Makes mental note to inform subject of this unacceptable behaviour !

Two hours and change later after draggin my ass out of bed and fixing me a killer breakfast, not primarily due to hunger but rather the fact that if I play another round of the staring game with the eggs and milk in my fridge, victory shall soon be theirs !

I call Oduori and I can tell he's kidogo irritated - perhaps due to the fact that I'm callin him back two hours later and I'm as casual as can be ?? moving on ! he suggests he comes to pick me up, and I quickly shoot that down and suggest we all meet at a central place, Oduori is a sly one too...mamas are all too familiar with this move - I'm not going to let you come pick me up coz that means you will have to drop me home and also maybe expect me to invite you to my pad and perhaps linger hoping for a kiss ( if the dude is a gentleman ) ama pounce on you for a kiss ( if its a wolf dressed in jeans/khakis with sneakers or tassel detailed shoes )

I pitia Friend B's place to pick her up coz I wanted to ensure the prescence of the cross eyed-heifer and her accomplice ( she can only screw me royally once ! )
We get to the place where we all agreed to meet and Oduori is already there playing with his PDA ( whats with the fascination of this gadget Mr O ?? ) in his moti with the sound of Samba Mapangala a decibel higher than what I'm sure the city ordinance law on noise would allow BUT DO I SAY ??

Let me jus say first and foremost that he was not wearing ant tasseled shoes ( the Gods were favouring me on this one ) and as he approaches to hug me I cross my fingers and silently hope that he shall not be a repeat offender of being a haliotosis carrier - SUPRISINGLY...no traces of breath from Hades ( I high five my Guardian Angel )

Oduori tells us his brother is joining us to see the fishes, at this point I'm callin the aquariium the place where the fishes live coz bad habits not only die hard but are easlily passed on from person to person and I clearly was the recipient of this grammar faux pas. Then I see this hunk of an Omundu approaching us and Im thinking to myself ..not it cant be his brother..please let this guy not be his brother ....and as fate would have it..its Oduoris bother !!!!!!!!!!!

Auuuuuu the man had what I like to call MFUFU FEATURES.....he had flawless nicely chargrilled dark skin....nostrils flared nicely...the lips....YAWHEH !
He had shorts on so I tupad a covetous look to check out them legs and he had nice zgwembes - not the kind that look like disfigured maembes that were shoved in there and left to sort themselves out ....
The shirt he had on did nothing to camouflage the fact that he works out and the misulis on his arms.... ahem ( recomposes self ) and he was bald too aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh....

I could'nt even look at this fine specimen directly in the eye...I mustered a faint "hi" which I doubt he even heard but im sure he saw my lips move. So I turn to Oduori and say...didnt know you had a brother... ( is he single Oduori ? is he ? is he ? ) Friend B and I throw each other looks and the woman knows me too well coz she gives me a look that says dont even go that route because THOU SHALL NOT COVET THY BROTHERS SIBLINGS !

Now Oduori was not to be outdone and he said it was his first time to see the fishes but I highly doubt coz he kept dropping factoids of the different species of the fishes from time to time ( fuck the samakis Oduori....back to your brother ! ) People you have no idea how many times I rolled my eyes ( in thought ) everytime the man opened his mouth to explain how the gills on the fish secrete whatever shyt to ward off its predators ( ok ok I made that part up but I jus wasnt keeping up with his samaki knowledge ).

The brother must have been on the same page with me on being bored by dudes comprehensive class on the fishes and he came over to my side and started talking to me. Eeerrr........Im not trying to recreate a biblical scenario of Caine & Abel ( who killed who again ? I was asleep in Sunday school when that juicy part was mentioned ) only this time there wuld be a woman involved ( points at self ). Oduori then noticed that me and his bro were talking and he didnt seem to like this one bit and quickly asserted his prescence and I can only say that the silver lining in this cloud was the fact that he stopped dropping the knowledge about the fishes !

What is the mama to do ? I'm only made of flesh and blood...me and the man definetly have chemistry going on and this is one twisted triangle that I do not want to get caught in.....

Now if you will excuse me fellow bloggers and bloggettes, let me go type a letter to www.dearabby.com and explain my dilemma to her. She might be of help !

It's all about the fishes !

2006-05-14T20:42:00.000-04:00

Management decided that it was time they rewarded us for all the toil and labour we've done by treating us to a baseball game this weekend ( I would have preferred cash money of equal value to my tickets which I would have parted with at some bar somewhere but beggars are not choosers are they ? )

I invited two of my friends to go to the game with me, and they only agreed coz they heard there was free food and beer ( I'm not a beer fan- gimme the liquor ! ) the game was starting @ 7 pm so at arounf 4 I call my friends to confirm and friend A had to take a rain check last minute, so I call friend B and she was still coming, and when I told her I had an extra ticket she asked if she could bring two other friends which was cool since I knew my boss had extra tickets.

So we fika at the meeting place, friend B had brought her boyfie and a raia dude, pleasantries and introductions were exchanged and we headed towards the field to go watch the game. As afore hinted, I'm not a baseball fan and with that, I chose to sit next to my friend so we could catch up with stories and occasionally cheering whenever the peeps around us cheered !

After the game, raia whom I'll call Oduori ( yes, he was from Homa bay or somewhere near the vicinity ) suggested we all go for dinner,I was game for that since the hotdogs at the stadium sucked !
Now Oduori with all the mahewas of a jango, said ( and I quote ) " I know this fantabulous Italian joint" and he mentioned the name of the place......and I wondered to myself that's odd, why does the Italian joint have a french name ? ( FLAG NUMERO UNO )

Since I'd never heard of the place, I figured it was best to shut up and go with the flow. We decide we jus use on moti since we're all going to the same place and no sooner was the consensus reached...Oduori volunteered to be the designated driver ( Oh well, more power to you Oduori )

When we fikad his moti Iunderstood WHY Oduori had willingly agreed to be the shaufa ( chauffeur - for those who need fafanuarings ) before us, was a Mercedes Benz ( nani kama Oduori ? )
..oh and by the way jus in case u think Im being biased, friend B is from Western and cool as hell so don't crucify me on to the msalaba of tribalism and what not !

( I digress )

We fika the joint and I immediately notice the french theme settings in the restaurant ( Oduori si you said the place was Italian ?) and apparently ( per the Maitre'D in his snotty attitude ) its best to make a reservation to get a good table ..nyokonyoko yeye ! can we eat at this establishment or not ? after almost ten minutes of the maitre'd staring at some screen "trying to see how he can do some abracadabra fucking magic" the ngamia leads us to two separate tables since there were no tables available for a party of four.

So naturally friend B sat with her boyfie and I was with Oduori...when the waiter came to the table I was ready to order my drink, which I diid then the waiter turns to Oduori whos staring at the menu like he's about to get quizzed on it ( Oduori harakisha I need my beverage pronto ! ) he finally asks for water !!! yes water !!! so why were you studying/cramming the drinks menu ????
Even the waiter was kidogo flabbergasted !

This mama was hungry so I went thru the menu and after a couple of minutes I knew what I was goin to order , rabbit...... people, I havent had some since I came to Bushville and dammit there it was on a well described menu on how it's been cooked and all the trimmings that comewith it aaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh I was in heaven !
Oduori was on round two of the staring game with the menu ( the house always wins dingbat !). If I sound angry, my apologies , I was beyond starving and times like these I tend to be very impatient.

The food was fantabulous ( quoting thyself ) ..convo was ok and by then since my hunger had been quelled by the rabbit, I was in a much better mood that when Oduori suggested ( again ) we all go for a movie everyone agreed. The theater was right next to the restaurant so we all walk there but I could sense the proud owner of the diesel fuelled Mercedes was a tad disspointed since he was ready and willing to drive us to the theater that was literally a stone throw away ( dude dont you realize how much gas/diesel is ? )

I offered to pay for the movie since he was kind enough to foot the dinner bill but Oduori would have none of it and almost stomped his tassel detailed shoes ( remember I happen to have a shoe thingy...) so I said "ooohh...your shoes" and I guess he took that as a compliment coz he proceeded to gleam and say ...I have two more pairs like these ( at this point hes pulled up his mfuto for me to further admire his shoes ...see below ) http://www.shoemall.com/assets/product_images/ZD04601115L.jpg friend B and I made eye contact and that was secret code for " we shall dissect this moment later like they do in a sports game and laugh our heads off "

We go in the theater and the movie begins and much to my annoyment dude decides this would be the best venue to further know me by talkin..not let me take that back...whisper, and ask me questions about myself (btw.. talking in the theater is one of my pet peeves ...just a fyi ) and to make matters worse, I was hit by the invisible wall of bad breath and this wasnt the bad breath coz of what you ate -
Nooooooooooooooo this was bad breath in its best form that colgate/pepsodent/closeup or laying of the hands in the mouth while some wailing preacher is praying for the demon of hellish breath to be cast out !!!auuiiiiiii and he's still insisting on making small talk and you know the proximity of one person to the next in a movie theater !!

( this begs for a listerine moment )

The thing is I never caught a whiff of his breath at any point earlier coz at the dinner table he was seated across me and during the baseball game I was seated next to friend B so I guess there was some catching up of his halitosis to be done and my olfactory senses bore the utmost brunt of it !! Lets jus say the movie seemed like a decade long.

Boy was I not happy when we stepped out of the theater I was more than ecstatic ...ooooh fresh polluted air ( the oxymoron sense in it was welcoming ) yes yes yes I love you ! ! now at this point Im ready to call it a night and head home - but wait there's more ( as those annoying informercial fuckers would quip ) Oduori wants us to go for a drink !!!!

La hasha ! not me ! I graciously declined the offer, thanked him for the dinner and movie, then muttered something about tomorrow being Mothers Day and I have to go walk Bosco the dog ( what does Bosco have to do with Mothers day ? was the expression written all over his face ) I donno either but I was not going to explain myself.

Not to be outdone...Oduori pulls out his PDA ...studies it for a ka minute then asks me " would you like to go see the fishes next weeekend" ?

The who ? fishes ? you mean the aquarium I ask ?

Yes, the fishes, Oduori retorts.... I told him I'd seen the "fishes" a couple of weeks prior and without batting an eyelash he asked " would you like to go see the fishes again ?"'
I let out an inward sigh and gave in to the offer coz I had this feeling that he would keep coming up with ideas and not take a NO for an answer.

With that in check, dude proceeded to pencil me in his PDA ( woohoo how fucking lucky am I to be in Oduori's PDA ?) and was like Saturday it is ! Meanwhile friend B and boyfie are silent witnesses to this whole thing and I know I will never hear the end of it from her. The friends I have ! who am I kidding ? I would rib her endlessly if it were her in my position .

I had fun besides the whole bad breath episode and I wait with baited breath we shall see how it goes with the date to go see the fishes ! ( I will come with a box of tic tacs/orbit ..anything )

To be continued................

PS
Friend B who tried to fix me with Oduori is a dental hygienist so imagine the irony of it all !!!!!!

Death in Vain

2006-05-10T09:42:00.000-04:00

In retrospect of what Aco had posted on drinking culture, a friend of mine sent me this email regarding a raia who was killed by his roomie over something so trivial.
And for a life to be taken over an alcohol induced argument, it doesnt make any sense at all and this is truly an unjustifiable death.

Hopefully this shall be a wake up call to Kenyans everywhere.

And to the family of the victim, my prayers go to you...............

Kenyan Man Killed By His Roommate
Reported By Patrick L Okeyo
04/23/06

Kennedy Ogeto Nyakoni who went to the United States in 1998 and was living with his wife Elizabeth Nyambura on Van Horne Street in Jersey city, NJ was killed on 04/21/06. The couple has three children but only the youngest one was in the house during the incident.

The couple had sub-let one of the rooms in their apartment to two Kenyan men. The names of the two Kenyan men are Geoffrey Moseti and David Andrew Okumala. The three were habitual drinking companions who often got into heated arguments during their drinking sprees. On Friday night 04/21/06 their drinking companionship turned ugly allegedly over rent arrears. In the ensuing argument the deceased was fatally stabbed on the fore head, chest and abdomen. His wife, not thinking that anything was amiss, only discovered that something was wrong after coming out of their bedroom and finding a bloody knife on a table in the living room. On further investigation she found her husbandb€(tm)s bloody body in the suspectb€(tm)s bedroom, which is usually where the three had their drinking sprees.

She called the police who asked her to verify the condition of her husband as they were on their way. The paramedics pronounced him dead upon their arrival. The police asked the deceasedb€(tm)s wife to accompany them to the police precinct to record a statement. At the police precinct, they found the two suspects already there. The suspects had gone to report that they had problems with their roommate. After interrogation by the police one of the suspects confessed to what had happened. He fingered Geoffrey Moseti as the stabber. He further confessed that they were at the station because he had convinced Moseti to turn himself in. Mr. Geoffrey Moseti will appear in court on Monday 04/24/06 for arraignment. He is being held at the Hudson County Correctional Facility.

The reaction from Kenyan Community in Jersey City is one of disbelief. Pastor Patrick Kisule of Christ For All Nations Church, which the deceased used to attend, was stunned on Sunday on visiting the home where burial arrangements are being made. The deceased, 40 and the suspect, 38 come from Nyaribari Chache Constituency in Kisii District.

WHERE IS THE SENSE IN THIS TRAGEDY ?

Of Toes & Such

2006-05-01T14:47:00.000-04:00

Happy Monday people !

On my lunch break I decided to run to the bank and while I was there I saw this mama who was well dressed..and all was on point then when I looked at her feet and everything came to a screeching halt ( I happen to have a shoe fetish )

The womans feet looked like she had trodden the earth with Moses when he was leading the Israelites for fourty days and fourty nights to the Promised Land and then some !! Lotion did not seem to be a product familiar with her feet and if she did infact use lotion on her feet ( lets give her the benefit of the doubt ) it was clear she needed to marinate them funky ass feet with lotion and not use a dollop as instructed on the lotion's "how to use"
On closer inspection, I noticed her toes were curled into "mini fists" like positions and could uppercut you on command !!!......Im not even going to get into the nail polish...thats a blog for another day !

Now, Im not saying Im all perfect...during winter I tend not to be vigilant about my feet but I don't wachilia them to the point where you can substitute feet for sand paper !

So ladies, it’s that time of year once again!!! I think we need to be reminded of a few things. So my sisters, PREASE, raise your big toes and repeat after me below….

I promise to always wear sandals that fit. My toes will not hang overand touch the ground, nor will my heels spill over the backs. And the sides and tops of my feet will not pudge out between the straps.

I will go polish-free or vow to keep the polish fresh, intact and chip-free AND not cheat and just touch up my big toe.

I will sand down any mounds of skin before they turn hard and yellow ( look at pic above )

I will shave the hairs off my big toe ( This does not apply to Kenyan mamas as we are not that hairy but should U be the minority that this point applies to...GRAB A NACET ! )

I won't wear pantyhose even if my misinformed girlfriend, coworker,mother, sister tells me the toe seam really will stay under my toes if I tuck it there.

If a strap breaks, I won't duct-tape, pin, glue or tuck it back into place hoping it will stay put. I will get my shoe fixed or toss it.

I will not live in corn denial; rather I will lean on my good friend Dr. Scholl's if my feet need him.

I will resist the urge to buy jelly shoes at Payless for the low, low price of $4.99 even if my feet are small enough to fit into the kids' sizes. This is out of concern for my safety, and the safety of others. No one can walk properly when standing in a pool of sweat and I would hate to take someone downwith me as I fall and break my ankle.

I will take my toe ring off toward the end of the day if my toes swell and begin to look like Vienna sausages.

I will be brutally honest with my girlfriend/sister/coworker when she asks me if her feet are too ugly to wear sandals. Someone has to tell her that her toes are as long as my fingers and no sandal makes creepy feet look good

I will promise if I wear flip flops that I will ensure that they actually flipand flop, making the correct noise while walking and I will swear NOT to slide or drag my feet while wearing them.

Omundu Rules 101

2006-04-25T13:56:00.000-04:00

I'm in the mood for posting a blog, but not actually writing one...has nothing to do with bloggers block or carpal tunnel syndrome.
I was surfing online ( on company time kama kawaida ) and I came acros this and it made me laugh and the rules DO MAKE SENSE
So men and women, DIG IN and toa maonis !

It seems appropriate for today’s discussion, so enjoy..

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances: (a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master. (b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse. (c) After wrecking your boss’ car. (d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into “The Crying Game”. (e) When she is using her teeth ( for the last scenario, I say dtch the hefer and get a kibogoyo, there'll be no such problems - ever ! )

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours ( I'd still bail dude out if it was some of my relas that were murdered ha ha ha )

5: If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy’s birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy’s choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she’s officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach… and it’s delivered by a topless model and only when it’s free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything ( Macho hayana pazia.....)

16: Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as Spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers ( BULLSHIT I SAY )

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that’s just greedy ( It's a dog eat dog world too bad ! )

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she’s withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights: (a) Yeah, Baby, Push it! (b) C’mon, give me one more! Harder! (c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly “just a friend” have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question “What do you want for Christmas?” with “If you loved me, you’d know what I want!” gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men’s Gymnastics. Ever ( Im not homophobic but those sports are gay gay gay !! )

29: We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below.

“GUTS” is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, “are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?” ( To my Ex Husband, RIP )

“BALLS” is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, “You’re next!”

We hope this clears up any confusion.

The International Council of Manhood, Ltd

Pobe Ni Baya !

2006-04-20T12:29:00.000-04:00

I haven't had much time to update my blog, I have a cold that's making my bloody nose run and sneezing every ten seconds aaarrgh !

Anyhoo, enough about my ailments, coming to think of it I got the homa during Easter weekend at a friends party- dude called me Friday to pre-warn of the bash and I believe his exact words were " ITS GOING DOWN "

Saturday comes, I go about running my errands and the sun and heat did me in so when I got home I decided to take a nap in the afternoon for a couple of hours ( am I getting into a geriatric stage or what ?? taking a nap in the afternoon )

I get a reminder call about the party....so I drag Madams matakos around the house trying to figure what to wear ( a dilemma I face everyday ) I decide to throw caution to the wind and jus vaa a kinyasa and a vest and head out there then I figure if peeps decide to go out I might be in a lurch, so I call dude back and ask if a lot of people are going to be showing up and if there are plans to go somewhere else later into the night.

The answer I got took me back to square one in the wardrobe dept. An hour later I head out to my friends placeand I stop at the liquor store by my house whereI spend more time in there than I should have because the owner is chatting with me ( and no, we're not on a first name basis because of my alcoholic tabias ) but coz dude is Moroccan and he once saw my ID and was like "Oh so you're from Kenya" so since then whenever I go there he makes small talk and might I add I no longer get carded he he he

I fika dudes house and I can already smell the nyamchom and I'm like oohhh yeaa...its going down ! by then there were not many people who had arrived yet and judging by the number of alcohol in the fridge, coolers and counter I knew this was going to be something else.....I make a comment about the alcohol and my friend says ...the kind of bash we're having leo there are cops who will be coming - GUARANTEED !

Two or three drinks later, the party is getting packed by the minute, and I got to see peeps I hadn't seen for a minute, it was a cool crowd...so far !
A chick friend of mine ingiad with a big bottle of Jaegemeister and she's the LIFE of the party at any given time - now this is one particular drink I'm not too fond of coz it tastes like five year old Breacol and Cofta mixed together ! but th\what the the heck I took the dam shots anyway !
Shot glasses were put in a mlolongo and Jaegemeister bombs were made ( Yager & redbull ) and no one was an exception to NOT taking the shots !! that was jus the beginning of the many shot sessions that were going to take place.

I happen to be a people watcher and its always interesting to watch people when they're not aware of it - there was this one dude whom I gave a nickname MKOSA KICHANA ( MK )coz his hair was a mess, well it looked like he was in the process of dreadin his nywele but hadn't pulled it off kabisa....NAPPY NAPPY HAIR ! dude didn't talk much and he kept looking at me, and they were jus blank creepy stares, I noticed he didn't talk much but he constantly had a drink in hand - Heineken, to be exact.

Then there was this MIDGET dude who from the looks of it, has been OD'ing on the weight machines in a gym ( I guess since he's vertically challenged he decided to tackle his misulis with an Arnold Schwarznegger vengeance ) Midget was loud too, VERY loud and one could tell from his demeanor that he was full of himself , or as the shrink would put it, the midget had a classic case of NAPOLEONS COMPLEX !

There was a "NJOKI" kind of heifer who had mahewas like crazy and she really thought she was the shiznit by the way she was talking, acting and it looked like she had spent some hours prepping her nywele coz it was as straight as can be then a strategically placed curl on the side of her temple, and she had applied enough Wanja on both her eyes and lips ( were we going for a backfired gothic look mama ?? )

My people watching was accompanied by more alcohol , nyamchom, mukimo...the works - I was hanging out in the kitchen as was the half of the party - donno why - but my reason was to be near the mukimo since I hadn't kulad that stuff for a minute !
Enters MKOSA KICHANA with Megan ( a typical name I give to all jungu chicks ) he (proudly ) introduces the bundle of blue eyes and blond hair to us and they soon head towards me.....well not me exactly, but I was near the food - so she starts nitpicking coz the only thing she saw familiar on the table was the meat and "salsa" aka kachumbari - they fika to the Mukimo and this is what transpires :

Megan: What's this ?

MK : That's Mukimo, It's an Avrikan derekacy !

Megan : What ?

MK: It's warus........( dude pauses tryin to remember what potatos are called in EGRICH ).....
I mean potatoes, peaz and a kind of vengetamble ( tryin to explain pumpkin leaves )

( Megan's even more puzzled ) and she didn't ask any more swalis...so she served herself some of the "Avrikan Derekacy "

Me and a friend who witnessed the whole thing were now laughing our heads off because dude was shrubbing and twengin at the same time and it was jus awful !!
As soon as I had shibad I decided to leave the food zone and head out to the living room where people were still taking shots and by now the effects of alcohol were beginning to appear in certain people...

Cut a long story short..this is what transpired at the party

> Midget tried to fight a dude that was twice bigger and taller than him...the situation was diffused and by the end of the night they both passed out in the same couch ( I have the pix to prove it ) and looked like a cute mismatched couple

> Njoki was making out with someone in the couch and she was on top of the guy, her jeans were low cut so guess what was in view for the whole world to see....big ass cotton drawers !! ( more pix to prove the allegations )

> Mkosa Kichana drunk himself to oblivion and then proceeded to pee on himself....he then tried to go sit on the couch and the host kicked his ass out ! ( yes..yes I have the pix to back up my story )

> Some chicks ended up making out in the kitchen ( camera captured this too )

> Someone COMPLETELY missed the whole concept of using the toilet and proceeded to take a dump ( yes a dump ) on the bathroom floor !! ( didn't even dare take a pic of that mess )

> Two akata chicks who had come together got into an argument - kumbe theye were lezbos...I was in the bedroom when they both ingiad there and the argument ensued there and one of them said " I know what it is that you want" and proceeded to undress the mama and "chow down the carpet" so I was like okaaaaayyyy - curiosity got my ass transfixed on the whole scenario and by the way they knew I was watching and they didn't care.....then the receiver of the first chowdown returned the favor !!

All my perplexed ass could do was just toa repeated silent alama wa mshangaos !!! THAT action, was not captured on my camera, I don't even think my paparazzi wanna be ass would have been able to snap away..

I still haven't found out who the culprit that took a dump on the bathroom floor was....

All in all, the party was kick ass, my liver and I paid for it heavily next day - the plans I had to go to church on Sunday ...wapi ? down the drain...I was in bed nursing a hangi and recalling the events of the night ...when the phone rang, IT WAS TRUPHENA !
I was in no mood for mundane convo so I let her get accquainted with my EVER reliable friend called VOICEMAIL !

And.....

2006-04-11T09:41:00.000-04:00

This weekend the weather man predicted that there would be storm coming our sides on Friday - But Friday came and went without a drop of rain nor a grey cloud in the sky. The lying bastards ! And they get paid for that !!!

I had my weekend planned with enough things to do since I saw that we were not getting any complimentary showers from Sir God but He must have been snoozing then He woke up late and realized were due for a storm jus like the Al Roker wannabe had told us on TV like some 36 hours prior.

So Saturday morning started with the strong gusts of wind, then came the rain then the lightning and thunder - I also happen to have a pet, and they say that animals can sense bad weather and this one did so indeed -and instead of warning the hand that feeds it, aka ME, that shit was about to hit the fan, the damn creature jumped out of bed and disappeared somewhere in the house.

I went to the bathroom to answer natures call and alas there's was the damn creature chilling in the bafu !! Kumbe this mnyama listens to the TV since they always tell U the safest place to be in the house during a storm is the bathroom - and all along it jus seems like its dozing when its front of the TV !! Sneaky bastard !

Now I'm chilling in bed when my phone rings and it's my friend whom we'll call Truphena, she's cool and all but lately she only calls me whenever things between her and her boyfie whom we'll call Obadiah go awry( I believe I've mentioned how much I like to bandilia nick
names )

Me thinks Truphena stopped seeing me as a friend and more like an uncertified quack therapist of sorts...like Dr Phil.....sans the TV contract, status quo, money and all - so I will call myself Dr. Philomena - which to me, is the generic female version of Dr. Phil

Krriiiing....Krrriiiiiiing .....Krriiinng....Krrriiiiiing ...( that's the phone ringing )

Dr. Philomena: Hello

Truphena: What took U so long to answer the phone ?

(WHAT THE FUCK ? I quickly disengage my BITCH MODE button )

Dr. Philomena: Hey wassup, whats goin on ?

Truphena: I'm sawa...( long pause ) ....sigh...

Dr. Philomena: Cool, Im fine, jus chilling in bed, the weather sucks ! what are U upto?

Truphena: I'm soo mad, I cant believe how men are !!

Dr. Philomena: Kwani whats going on ?

( Behold, the ranting begins )

Truphena: Jana I went home and I went to the PC and I looked in that ka-history option that U showed me sometime back bcoz I wanted to see what Obadiah has been doing online and he has been watching porn !!!!!

Dr. Philomena: And......

Truphena: And ?? He has been checking this and that ( several porn sites are mentioned ) and its been going on for a while and when I asked him about it he denied the whole thing and I have proof - I HAVE PROOF !!!

Dr. Philomena: Well.. U know probably the man felt cornered and his first instinct was to lie to you depending on how U broached the subject.

( Now this chick has some serious tongue leashing - she's a true Nyeri woman and I suspect she's a Wangu Wa Makeri descendant somehow ) I digress...back to the transcript

Dr Philomena: Kwani what kind of porn was it that got U this riled up ?

Truphena: Why is he watching porn and he has me as his chile ???

( thinking to myself - did U ask him that ?maybe someting is amiss in the bedroom dept)

Dr Philomena: And..... He's a dude, hes been watching porn before he met you and chance are he's not going to stop - men are visual creatures.

Truphena: Ati visual creatures ? whats that ?

Dr Philomena: Let me ask U, the porn he was watching, was it a menage trois ?

Truphena: A who ? what's that ?

Dr. Philomena: Was it like two chicks and a guy ama two guys and one chick ?

Truphena: Eeeeewww....No

Dr . Philomena: Any goats, dogs, horses, donkeys or any other animals involved ??

Truphena: No ! whats that supposed to mean ? are U being sarcastic ?

( BITCH MODE button about to to get re-engaged )

Dr. Philomena: Look, I'm trying to get to the bottom of this porn thingamajig that's gotten you so worked up - I'm not trying to be sarcastic !

( rolling my eyes as far as my eye sockets can allow me and then some )

Truphena: Kwani people do it with animals ??

Dr. Philomena: Yes, there are sickos out there who do such things - It's called beastiality

Truphena: Ati who ?

( ignoring the question coz I dont feel like like explaining it - GOOGLE my dear...GOOGLE )

Dr. Philomena: Was he in it? and were there any a midgets in it ? and has he ever made U do something that was uncomofrtable in terms of sex ?

Truphena: Ati what ? was he in it ? midgets ? now you, what that's you're asking ?

Dr. Philomena: Well, from what U've told me, it seems like Obadiah was jus doing what men do- nothing wrong with that- maybe you can even watch with him coz if you make him feel like he's doing something bad he'll jus be more secretive and sneaky about the whole thing.

Truphena: Aiiii lakini..why ? I feel so hurt !

Dr Philomena: It's not like he was cheating on you , he was watching a damn movie !

Truphena: I don't think I can sit there and watch that takataka with him

( I've reached my wits end at this point !!!)

Dr. Philomena: I don't know what else to tell you - but it seems like you're over reacting to the whole situation .

Truphena: Maybe I am lakini....

(YOU ARE....YOU ARE...YOU ARE.... ARRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH )

Truphena: Ok......so what are your plans for the day ?

Dr. Philomena: I was going to practice playing golf with some friends, but from the looks of this weather, it aint going to happen .

Truphena: Ati golf ?

Dr. Philomena: Yeah, golf

Truphena: Aiii you're weird

( ANOTHER WHAT THE FUCK MOMENT !! )

Now my patience tap has run dry and for the sake ofour friendship I decide its best if I end the convo pronto.

Dr. Philomena: Well, to each his own, you'd be suprised, golf is not as bad as you think. Anyway, gotta go

Truphena: Si I thought U said you're going to chill at home ?

Dr. Philomena: Yes, I know I said that but I have to go take a big dump and my sphincter muscles can't hold any much longer. Sawa ? gotta go ( literally )

( the above mentioned excuse always works whenever I want to extract myself out of a convo or scenario...and it always WORKS !!! )

Truphena: Oh..oh..ok, bye !

Dr. Philomena: Bye and Say hi to Obadiah.

Truphena: Huh ? Who's Obadiah ?

Dr. Philomena: Weee ...laters...kwaheri

CLICK !

By the time I was hanging up I was drained and I had planned on making myself a grandiose breakfast but now that was jus a memory.

I replayed the whole convo in my head and I decided to note to self that I may soon start screening her calls henceforth...

Judging from the what she told me I bet her fave position when shes having Coitus( did I just use the term coitus ) with Obadiah is ( in pitch darkness ) with her staring at the ceiling ( if U get my drift )and probably balancing her checkbook using an Abacus in her head - NO MORE NO LESS !!!!

I can only imagine the look on Truphenas face if poor Obadiah suggested some Karma Sutra position looool - will make a point to test the waters and ask her what her fave position is next time !

Signed,
A Drained Dr. Philomena

Woes of an African in Corporate America

2006-04-05T21:57:00.000-04:00

My previous job was at an Insurance company and it a was a big company with an almost equal ratio of jungus and miros and then there was the sub-category minority class which included me and this Nigerian woman, whom I'll call Julie.

As soon as I met Julie I knew she was Nigerian ( based on her well profiled facial features ) and when I heard her speak it jus went to confirm my suscpicion. Now Julie had some serious fuller than full lips !!

And Im not talking about ordinary full......Im talking about FUUUULLL LIPS !!! and to make matters worse, she accentuated them more by wearing a bloody-fuck-me-I'm-a-whore glossy-red-lipstick and jus by looking at her I had a flashback of all the Tin Tin, & Asterix comic books that I used to read and how they depicted Africans as being chargrilled black with full red lips hauling luggage for the mzungu bastards in the forest... I digress

I always used to try and avoid sIaring at her but it was nearly impossible because them red lips were like a vortex or a black hole of sorts that would jus pull you towards her. So I decided to give her a nickname ( a habit I cannot kick out of my system and refuse to so do anyway ) - the nickname I decided to give her was LOOK AT ME because one couldnt help but look at the woman and her shiny lips.

I had to give U an intro to Julie before I begin my tale. So with only two Africans in the whole office, people will tend to notice you and everything that you do and with that said, I jus hoped Julie would be on point coz I know my monkey ass was !!

The office set up was ultra modern - very open spaces and the breakroom was very retro and because of the fact that there were no confining walls separating the breakroom from the office, there was a rule of no heating seafood in the microwave because seafood odors are not the most aromatic - and to make sure that people were at par with this rule, there were bright neon yellow stickers typed in bold caps " NO FISH OR SEAFOOD, NO EXCEPTIONS" stuck on the microwaves.

So one morning I get to work, me and my coworkers decide to go get a cup of coffee and as soon as we were in the breakroom , a pungent odor of seafood slapped our nostrils so hard for a split second I thought I was in a fish market in Homa Bay or something so ofcourse someone was bound to ask what the heck that smell was...and did I mention good ole LOOK AT ME Julie was by the microwave where the smell was coming from.

Julie turns around and says I can't smell anything ( yeah right !) now the smell is getting stronger by the minute, which meant it was spreading to the office and coincidentally there's a lady who sits across the breakroom and she's deathly allergic to seafood that even the smell itself can trigger an allergic reaction. Now this mama was quick to come and find out who was microwaving seafood.

Julie again is looking like a freaking deer in headlights with a I-donno-whats-goin-on look on her face. Then as life would have it, PING !! that was the microwaving indicating that whatever was being heated was now ready and Julie removed a bowl from the microwave and she quickly covered it with a napkin and by now everyone knew who the perpetrator was .

With her head held up high and her lip bling aka red lipstick in check...she walked away from the crime scene but that smell was following her like the way kids followed the Pied Piper of Hamelin.

By the time Julie fikad her desk someone had already notified HR of the incident and she was called to the office mainly because of the woman's allergy to seafood and the fact that she was not owning up to her faux pas

Here's the clincher folks....that concotion she had in her bowl was sardines and eggs !!!! Aauuuuwiiii freakin sardines and eggs - what kind of combi is that ?? and thats breakfast !!!

So naturally my workmates started ribbing me ati this must be a Zamunda thing and I was like heeelll no ! but I was only digging the Zamunda hole in which I was slowly burying myself in deeper !

At that point I was ready to assume a Bonquisha or Shanene Identity so as not to be associated with the lovely "LOOK AT ME" Julie.

The office was abuzz for a while because of that sardine and eggs incident and it was then that I had a moment of clarity ( as recovering alcoholics would say ) and knew that no matter how long one is uprooted from their native land, some habits jus can never die and that my friends, is the woe of me, the African, in Corporate America !!!

Cleanliness is next to......

2006-04-04T09:28:00.000-04:00

What is it with men and bathroom hygiene ? I met this guy a while back and a he's a nice chap...So we went out on a couple of dates and all and he invited me to his house.
It was a typical guys crib, not very neat and not too untidy either, well I'm talking about the living room ( I had not seen the bedroom and kitchen ) so I needed to use the bathroom and he showed me where the good ole' WC was and when I went in...BEHOLD !!!!
The bathroom was a damn BIOHAZARD mess waiting to happen - All the ingredients for making a dirty bomb were literally present in that 5 by 5 room !!

I was debating whether to kaza mkojo and go home to relieve thyself OR jus bite the bullet and pee...my bladder was in no mood for this sort of discussion so this mama had to answer to nature's call - but I must say that these pretty cheeks ( and not the ones on my face ) did NOT touch the toilet seat !

When I think of it... my pose, which was half standing, half squatting in the bathroom, resembled that of a guy in a relay race waiting for that baton to be passed on to him.

With the deed done, I made my way back to the living room and whatever evil mischief I thought might transpire between me and dude had been flushed down the toilet ( pun intended )

In this day and age of Chlorox , Jik ( depending from which hemisphere U're in ) toilet brushes and gloves... bathroom maintenance should be easy !

So my question is to you fellas...what is it with U guys and not keeping your bathrooms clean ??

About Blank

2006-04-03T11:26:00.000-04:00

So I decided to jump the bandwagon myself and start a blog aka a web based personal diary.
I'm in the plantation ( work ) as I speak and Massuh is in a meeting so U know when the Panya in Charge is away....the Cat plays...
Ama its the other way round ? oohhh well...I'm pretty much doing nothing that's geared towards the betterment of the company that I work for - Its Monday and Im not really in a working mood as of yet

My adopted policy with Corporate America is - they pretend to pay me.....I pretend to work